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Love and fear
Well last month, in all honesty was hideously depressing, and I'm finding myself
learning that half of the time depression makes things worse, as does effort.
The best thing to do most of the time is just lie down in bed and remember that
the rest of the world doesn't make any sense, and doesn't even see a reason to
try to. But at the same time as things unfold you learn that what has happened
has some sense of rationality to it and people, make a vague amount of sense.
I have a very easy job now, its so easy that I worry about the economy when I
work. The hardest part is waking up at 5am every morning, and thats the only
hard part at all. I can't get bored of something when its that early in the
morning, because I just forget it straight away.
I'm thinking about two concepts a lot these days. Love and Fear. It seems to me
that they very much go hand in hand, and to understand one is to suceed with
both. It seems in all of my hours reading up on things like that, I've never
really internalised them (Or maybe I have I just haven't projected
them) as in I still find myself caring way too much about relationships, to an
extent that its taking effect on my body and health.
Last month I was moping under the fact that it seemed unfair that the world can
revolve around a concept like 'He who doesn't really care wins', but these days
I've realised that its more like 'He who understands wins.' it has nothing to do
with the amount of effort. Or maybe it does, maybe the effort leads people to
think about things and slow down. That's the stage I'm hoping to get to.
With martial arts one of the hardest things that I had to learn was how to
relax. I think theres a point in everything where your effort is directed (as
stupid as it sounds) into actively putting less effort into something.
Parodoxs annoy me too.
A friend of mine told me that the highest point that you can ever acheive with
anything is to just be able to relax when you're doing it. He was talking about
sparring, but all things are interconnected, I'm finding.
So what I'm doing now is moving on in whatever way I can think of. Getting on
with work and training etc etc, although doing it all as reluctantly as I can.
Man, I'm cool when I'm moody.
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